And the reason is me....

Yes, I know, there's been quite a few days gap between posts. Not that anyone is reading this. I guess after my first post I was a bit blergh about what, why, how etc. Yes, I totally overanalyse things and I did with the concept of blogging. I've since had a think about what I want to achieve out of this and have concluded that blogging is the 21 century version of keeping a journal. So this will be my journal, my debrief and download. I will over the next god knows how many blogs, will give an insight into how and why I got to where I am now. I hope that by writing it here, it will help me to process it all and move on from it. So, my stats. I am 32, married, have a 15 month old girl aka the little ladybug, 2 slightly demented ragdoll cats an a partridge in a pear tree. I live in the southern suburbs of Perth WA. I work full time in the field of OHS and have done for the past 10 or so years. I've done fly in fly out, residential and corporate based work. I think I'm a jack of all trades, master of none. I think I have undiagnosed OCD, I'm bloody stubborn, I'm extremely loyal of "my people", my family are the centre I my life, I love my footy team, and slowly but surely, I'm learning to love myself. In recent years, my battles with my demons have come to a head, manfesting into full blown post natal depression and I guess, this blog is going to form part of the healing and rebuilding phase. I don't think getting PND is who I am and I refuse to allow it to define me, it's just one of the many "things" that makes my life "interesting". So why do I choose the blog my inner most secrets rather than chat with a real friend or a real family member? I ask myself the same question. Now I'm starting to come out of the "dark" and reflect, I think it's really about the fact that I just don't have faith in them at the moment to help me on my journey. Yes, my hubby knows, he's lived it every day, he's a good man who has been such a pillar of support. I think it's really because I'm lonely. I find myself spending way to much time on Facebook, reading blogs etc because I crave adult conversation with people with similar experiences and my family are the "she'll be right, toughen up princess" type people and I think this hasn't helped my cause. I think they just lack understanding and don't really like talking emotions, feelings, the warm fuzzy stuff. I'm a bit the same but that's probably why things got so "dark". The real breakthrough for me, was rocking along to my first mothers group meeting and befriending a very crazy kiwi chick that was in the same "dak" place. Yes, I was loosing my mind, but so was she and it was really refreshing to know that perhaps I was "normal"? I have been very open about my challenges, perhaps subconsciously because it's a shout out for help but the shout was never answered. Maybe I am to blame for some of this because I'm told I always have this outer air of confidence. Even the midwives in hospital left me alone thinking I'd done this baby thing a few times before. So my promise to all from now on, is o be more forthcoming with where I'm at, writing this blog will help highlight when I am and when I'm not doing so well. I will actively sek out help, I will reveal more of myself and showing emotion is not a sign of weakness, is a sign of strength. I just have to keep reminding myself of this! Well, this is a rambled thoughts blog today but this zipping here and there is how my brain works, yet another reason to blog. To get things down on paper so to speak, to help me get thoughts into some assemblance of order, to download so when I sign off forth day, I can leave theses thoughts behind ad completed. Till next time, Mother Bug xxx